Do you know how it feels like ???

Having a nasty case of the blues today. The worst part is, i'm not sure why. It's not like i don't have plenty of good reasons to feel sad, yet nothing had changed between yesterday and the day before, when i felt fine.

But today, i don't know why, which makes me feel out of control, weird, and of course curious. Certainly not reassuring. Maybe it was simply a delayed reaction to some previous life disappointment, or maybe the sadness i felt while reading the article somehow tapped into an inner sadness lingering somewhere below the surface.

Sadness is a relatively new phenomenon for me, so i don't have much experience dealing with it, especially when i don't know why i'm feeling that way, which suck.

I don't feel angry. Even yesterday, i found myself laughing at some things people said, so it's not like i have lost my sense of humor.

I remember feeling like a good cry might help, but i'm not very good at crying. Sometime, i found i could only cry in the car while driving, which is the only place i feel safe enough. There have been girl friends i could cry with, but those are rare, as i need a high degree of (emotional) trust, which i lose pretty easily, especially during the relationship's rockier times, which seem inevitable.

Maybe fatigue makes me feelings more prominent, less controllable. Again, i don't know, this is merely speculation, which is the worst part.

Mr. JC has been telling me to be good to myself. He thinks, for me, it's a case of "accumulative sadness." I think that's true.

Sometime, somehow, i just feel i looked like a clown. Once covered up the mask, you are no more being yourself. Who do you think you are? Just another puppeteer to them, who cares about how would you feel. It's true, the clown makes a lot of people laugh. However, do you know how it feels like in depth of his heart? If clown can't take a joke, this isn't even funny. And i'm exactly feel the same like a clown, sigh~!!